Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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