when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
