Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
