i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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