Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Someone came in the potted fern
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
