ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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