dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There's always time for handjobs
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
