don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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