This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
