Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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