He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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