I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
