Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
