my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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