That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
