so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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