We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I want her autograph on my taint
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize