did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
