We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
