A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
