I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
