I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
