i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
