I met the friendliest cop last night
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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