OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
