and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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