Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
