I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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