My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
