turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So. Much. Porn.
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