There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
