i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
