just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Randomize
