eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
