last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
