I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize