Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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