I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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