even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
