Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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