its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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