my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
