Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I puked a lego.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
