So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
