well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
