The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
