when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
