when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
