The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
