In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We got so high we made milksteak
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
