you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
