It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
