you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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