shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
