Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
