You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
